i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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