Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
ugly people sure do ruin things
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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