I only kidnapped one of them. chill
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize