Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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