So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize