I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
