broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Randomize
