I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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