That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
