Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
They have beer where we have blood.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize