I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
