i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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