I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
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