guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
