smell my finger.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize