I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
