I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
