The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
