I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
This house was built for laser tag.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
