for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Randomize
