i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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