If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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