I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
