what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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