Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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