I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
