My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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