just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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