I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
