rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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