You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
