i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Randomize
