i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
We talked him into tasing himself.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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