She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize
