I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
He did a backflip because drugs
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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