I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
