you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
