i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I supernannyed him into submission
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
