Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
