Your face is a jimmy john
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
