I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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