Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I still have a little drunk in my system
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
