Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
This baby is an asshole
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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