i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
