it's not cheating when I paid for it
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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