The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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