help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
