i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
