Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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