i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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