my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Let's get the cat blown out
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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