Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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