She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
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