Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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