what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize