i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
