My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize