he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
