K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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