My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
