My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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