Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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