Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
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