You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
