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I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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