My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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